me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
You Might Also Like
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Saturday
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’ve been drinking.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣