DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
No chill.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
OKAY DAD
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me