*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
honestly, i need both:
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum