Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…