Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.