If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
2 years later
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.