I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
You Might Also Like
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?