Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
BETRAYAL
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct