[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
barbara was highly relatable
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.