*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize