Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Wednesday
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE