My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
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Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business