Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
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I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.