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Problem solved.
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?