Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
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I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
For those that worship cheese..
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite