I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.