“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.