Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
🖤✌🏽
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers