What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.