I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
excuse me
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.