1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life