Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.