The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”