*jingles half the way*
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.