There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
This probably isn’t good
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.