[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL