My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets