[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
You Might Also Like
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.