HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
This is hilarious….
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.