Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
are they though??
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician