Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
what’s really going on
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
That took me a moment.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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