The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned