If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that