“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
cats when you pet them too long:
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*