I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Pandas 🐼🖤
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.