MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.