driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Florida man
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade