My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
You Might Also Like
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
This is I, Robot all over again
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase