He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.