god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes