ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Florida man
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.