[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling