Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.