My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring