Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
You Might Also Like
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.