I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
You Might Also Like
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what