All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over