I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Remember folks 😂
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.