Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.