Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
dads on road-trips be like
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Fidel Castro was alive?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.